Korean "Sseom," Dating, and Breakups

In Canada, if you're interested in someone, you might say, "Hey, wanna grab a coffee sometime?" You get coffee, have a chat, and if you click, you meet up a few more times. You either naturally become a couple or stay good friends. This process is fluid, and there are no set rules. But after coming to Korea, I had to confront a completely new language of dating. This is the story of Korean romance, which begins with the concept of "Sseom"—a state that is both incredibly clear and, at the same time, more ambiguous than anything I'd ever known.

Sseom: Walking Through a Fog, More Than Friends, Less Than Lovers

"Are you two having a Sseom?" When my Korean friends first asked me this, I had no idea what it meant. They explained that it comes from the English word "Something," literally meaning "there's something between us." This was completely different from "seeing someone" in Canada.

During the Sseom period, we would text on KakaoTalk almost 24/7. We’d have conversations just like a couple starting with "Did you sleep well?" and going through "What did you do today?" to end with "Good night." We'd go to movies and beautiful cafes alone and talk for hours. When we walked, we'd maintain a tense distance, close enough for our hands to almost brush.

But we weren't a couple. No one used the word "date," and I couldn't explain our relationship to anyone else. Every night, I felt lost in confusion. "This emoji has a heart, but what does it mean?" "Is a text at 2 a.m. a sign of interest, or are they just bored?" It was a bittersweet, exhausting time, analyzing every action and message for meaning. In Canada, I would have just asked, "I'm interested in you," but in Korea, it seemed the unspoken rule was to enjoy the ambiguity itself.

The Confession and "Day 1": The Official Start of a Relationship

The foggy period of Sseom ends with a "gobaek" (confession) from one person. In my case, he carefully asked, "I think I like you. Do you want to be my girlfriend?" This "gobaek" is an extremely important ritual that defines the relationship. The moment the confession is successful, a declaration is made: "Today is our Day 1." This concept of "Day 1" was another culture shock for me. In Canada, it's rare to pinpoint an exact date when a relationship becomes "official." But in Korea, this "Day 1" is the basis for celebrating all anniversaries, from the 100th and 200th day to the one-year mark. It felt like a vague relationship was suddenly being defined like a clear contract.

While Dating: We're a Billboard of "Couple-hood"

Once we became a couple, everything changed. The most noticeable thing was the "couple items." We got matching "couple rings" and wore similar-style shoes. On weekends, we would see countless other couples dressed in matching outfits. This felt like a way of publicly announcing, "We are in a relationship," a form of expressing a sense of belonging.

The frequency of communication was also important. It was considered normal to share our daily schedules and send each other photos even more often than during the Sseom stage. As someone who values personal space and time, it sometimes felt overwhelming, but I gradually came to understand that this was their way of expressing interest and love for one another.

The Breakup: Sudden Silence, "Ghosting"

As with all relationships, the moment of breakup eventually arrived. The most unfamiliar breakup method I experienced and heard about in Korea was "jamsu ibyeol" (the ghosting breakup). As the name suggests, one person simply disappears, cutting off all contact. Someone who was whispering sweet nothings yesterday suddenly doesn't read your messages and won't answer your calls. This method, where a relationship ends without any explanation, causes immense hurt and confusion for the person left behind. Of course, many people still end things clearly, either in person or through a message. But regardless of the method, there was a tendency to quickly erase the traces of the relationship, such as deleting shared photos from social media and getting rid of couple items. A relationship that began so publicly also ends with a public purge.

Dating in Korea was like a roller coaster for me. It starts with the ambiguous "Sseom" phase, where you constantly have to deduce the other person's feelings, then it's formalized with the clear declaration of "Day 1," followed by proof of the relationship with couple items, and sometimes it ends without a single word. It was complicated and confusing, but there was a definite sweetness and deep affection within it. Ultimately, the feeling of love is the same, but I learned firsthand just how differently that emotion can be expressed and a relationship defined from one culture to another.